Four Years Ago

Four years ago marked a very sad and happy time for both me and my family. I remember just like it was yesterday. My father passed away. I was 9 months pregnant at the time. My husband and I were expecting our first child. I never imagined I would lose my father at such a young age. I never thought I would experience both life and death at the same time. It really hit close to home.

Three years prior to my fathers death, doctors diagnosed him as having both bladder and prostrate cancer. During that time, he spent days at a time both in and out of the hospital. Doctors were confident they caught the cancer in time and would be able to control it. After being in and out of the hospital, and running extensive tests, they found his bladder to be worse than they originally thought. His bladder needed to be removed. They thought he would be a good candidate to receive a reconstructed bladder. So they removed a portion of his lower intestines and with it reconstructed him a bladder. At that time, they also removed his prostrate. They felt the cancer had been removed.

Following my father's surgery, it seemed as though his overall health had declined, and this time at a much faster rate. His bladder was not functioning properly. He was in and out of the hospital a lot. He spent much of his time lying in bed. The cancer was spreading to other areas of his body. The doctor ordered both chemo and radiation treatments. Neither were successful as his body did not respond to the treatments.

On May 4th, 2005, doctors delivered some very devastating news. My father had taken a turn for the worst and his health was declining rapidly. The cancer had taken over his body. He was told he had a matter of weeks to live. We (my mom, dad, and three sisters) were all with him when they gave him the news. We were completely numb. I remember looking into my father's eyes that day. I can see him now. He was very pale and slightly jaundice. I even remember exactly what he wore that day. I was crying and totally besides myself. I was at a loss for words. It felt like my heart had sunk into the pit of my stomach. I was completely heartbroken. All I could think about was what might be going through his mind. What are someone's first thoughts when you're told you're going to die?? It was too much for me to absorb. I know my father was scared and angry. He looked at us in shock and disbelief. All he could say was, "I'm sorry". It broke my heart to hear him say those words. They will remain with me for the rest of my life. He was not supposed to be the one saying sorry. I can only believe he said it because H and I were both pregnant at the time. She was carrying twin boys and I was carrying W. I know he was proud to be getting three more grandsons. That afternoon, went to my parents house. I could not tell you what happened or what was said from the time we left the doctors office until the sun went down that evening. It was and still is such a blur. I was completely numb. Thankfully we were able to spend the next several days together as a family.

There were nights I went back to our house and had a really hard time sleeping. I was afraid my phone would ring any minute. I just could not bare the thought of being away from my father. We traveled back and forth for many nights. B and I lived and worked about 45 minutes away from my parents home. So I stayed at my parents house for a few of those nights. I remember lying there awake in bed at night. I was afraid to fall asleep. I was afraid of what was going to happen. His breathing patterns were inconsistent. Every breath sounded like someone snoring. There were times when he even stopped breathing. We knew it was just a matter of time.

Before my father was told cancer would eventually take his life, I had been showing signs of pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks into my pregnancy. My OB ordered me off work and on best rest. My blood pressure was slowly on the rise and bed rest did not help. I only continued to get worse. Just about the time dad was moving into his very last days of life, my OB decided she would induce labor. I was completely torn about what to do. I knew I could not miss my father's funeral. My doctor and I talked it over. She was aware of what was going on at home and felt it would be okay to wait it out a few more days.

On May 15th, my father died at the age of 62. I never thought I would lose someone so close. I was devastated. All I could think about was how cancer robbed him of his life, and he would never have the chance to hold my son. I would never again have the chance to hear him laugh , see him act his goofy self, or even spend father/daughter time with him. It was a very sad time for me and my family.

On May 18th, my father was laid to rest. We said our final goodbyes. It was difficult. It was especially hard for me, because I knew I would soon be bringing a child into this world without him ever knowing my father. Bringing a son into the world was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I needed to mourn my father, but I also needed to be there for my newborn baby. I was experiencing both sad and happy times. I sometimes wonder how I got through it, and then I remind myself it was by God's grace. It was He who helped me get through it all.

His memory booklet reads. . . .

God Saw You
God saw you were getting tired
And a cure was not to be,
So he put his arm around you
And whispered. "Come to me."
With tearful eyes we watched you
And saw you pass away,
And though we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.

On May 19th, we brought our son, William, into the world. The delivery went well. B and I were first time parents! It was some of the most beautiful moments ever. He was beautiful. He was all I could have ever wanted in a child. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him and held him in my arms, I could feel God's blessing upon us. I truly believe God had a place in what happened that day. Had it not been for Will, I would have not gotten through those very difficult days that followed my father's death. God knew my father, too, would be so proud.

Picture of the new floral arrangement made for my father's
grave. Mom got the flowers herself and I put it together. She
certainly takes care of him and wants him to have the very best.
Dad always liked flowers. He enjoyed photographing them too.
This one's for you Dad!

I miss and love you Dad! I'm still you're "little baby",
just as you and Mom have always said. I am still
sad you are not physically here with us today, but I do know
you live within our hearts. I cannot wait until we meet again.